The Good Chef

Cast: The Good Chef
Narrator

Props: As written or open to interpretation.

The Good Chef: Vhee Gud Creeted

Narrator: When God Created, the Creation Story as You've Never Heard It Before, as told by the Good Chef himself.

The Good Chef: Zee guud chif.

The Good Chef: (The Chef will be tossing glitter, shaking as a spice, this begins in darkness, but when there is light, there will be light, whether flashlight or overhead) In zee fery begeenning beffure-a zeere-a ves unytheeng ilse-a zeere-a ves Gud. Bork bork bork! Zeere-a ves nutheeng ilse-a boot derkness und a leettle-a beet ooff thees und a leettle-a beet ooff thet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Und Gud seeed, "Let zeere-a be-a leeght. Um de hur de hur de hur." Und zeere-a ves leeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Gud sev thet zee leeght ves guud. Bork bork bork! Gud nemed zee leeght dey und zee derkness Gud celled neeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thet ves zee furst dey.

Narrator: On the first day, God said, "Let there be light."

The Good Chef: Leeght.

Narrator: That's what I said. Light. And there was light. And it was good.

(Chef nods approval)

Narrator: On the second day

The Good Chef: (Motion broadly for the sky-in the narrator's face) Oon zee secund dey, Gud seeed, "Let zeere-a be-a a dume-a tu seperete-a zee veters ebufe-a zee dume-a frum zee veters beloo zee dume-a." Zeen Gud pooshed zee veters ell tu oone-a seede-a und creeted a dume-a oofer zee veters. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Gud nemed zee dume-a sky. Bork bork bork! Gud sev thet zee sky ves guud. Thet ves zee secund dey.

Narrator: ON the second day, God created the sky. (motions in front of chef's face)

The Good Chef: Und eet vas guud.

Narrator: And it was good.

The Good Chef: (the waters will be Jello-like blue substances in bags, for ease of separating. The land will be a rock or other similar item. Peel the water off and put on either side to "separate." When showing vegetation, use basket of fruit and bouquet of ugly flowers. Wave flowers in narrator's face.) Oon zee thurd dey, Gud seeed, "Let dry lund eppeer oooot ooff zee veters." Zeen Gud sepereted zee veters und bruooght furt dry lund. Gud sev thet zee lund ves guud. Gud nemed zee lund iert. Gud nemed zee veters sees. Zeen Gud seeed, "Let zee iert poot furt fegeteshun, plunts und trees ooff ifery keend. Und it ves su. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thet ves zee thurd dey.

Narrator: On the third day, God separated the earth from the water and created plants. And it was good.

The Good Chef: Veery guud.

Narrator: Yes, very good.

The Good Chef: (Motion, and sun, moon and stars will appear, from something resembling a marionette) Oon zee fuoort dey, Gud seeed, "Let zeere-a be-a leeghts in zee sky tu geefe-a leeght tu zee iert. Zee leeghts veell be-a seegns fur seesuns und deys und yeers. Zeen Gud mede-a tvu greet leeghts, zee soon tu roole-a zee dey, zee muun tu roole-a zee neeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Gud mede-a zee sters, es vell, und Gud sev thet it ves guud. Gud blessed zeem und seeed, "Be-a frooeetffool und moolteeply." Bork bork bork! Thet ves zee fuoort dey.

Narrator: On the fourth day, God made the sun to guide the day and the moon and stars to guide the night.

The Good Chef: Yah. Zat ees vat ee seed.

Narrator: Oh, yes, he did say that.

The Good Chef: (Toss small plastic creatures about, as if tossing a salad.) Oon zee feefft dey, Gud seeed, "Let zeere-a be-a leefing creetoores ooff ifery keend thet veell feell zee sees und zee sky. Bork bork bork!" Zeen Gud creeted leefing theengs tu feell zee veters und fly in zee eur. Gud creeted feesh und burds, telleeng zeem tu moolteeply und feell zee iert. Und Gud sev thet it ves guud. Bork bork bork! Thet ves zee feefft dey.

Narrator: And he made the sea creatures swimming free in the water and the birds to fly overhead.

The Good Chef: (Hesitantly) Yah. Sumeting leek dat.

Narrator: (Quickly, as if racing) And it was good.

The Good Chef: (Barbie and Ken dolls wearing leaves over private zones will be put in at the time he makes man.) Oon zee seext dey, Gud seeed, "Let zee iert be-a feelled veet leefing creetoores, uneemels ooff ifery keend." Und it ves su. Zeen Gud creeted uneemels tu feell zee iert. Und Gud sev thet it ves guud. Bork bork bork! Boot zeere-a ves nu oone-a tu injuy Gud's guud creeshun, su Gud seeed, "Let zeere-a be-a hoomuns, creeted in my oovn imege-a, tu hefe-a dumeeniun oofer ell thet I hefe-a creeted.creeted," und Gud creeted hoomun beeengs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Gud mede-a hoomun beeengs in Gud's oovn imege-a, mele-a und femele-a, und Gud sev thet it ves fery guud. Gud blessed zee hoomuns und seeed, "Be-a frooeetffool und moolteeply. Bork bork bork! Feell zee iert und teke-a cere-a ooff ell thet I hefe-a creeted. Bork bork bork!"

Narrator: God made animals to leap and frolic, frolic and leap.

(The chef should look questioningly at the narrator, not masking disgust or cunfusion.)

Narrator: And God made people to watch over and appreciate his creation. And he told the people to take care of all that he had made.

(Chef does double take, and looks very closely at the "creation" in the bowl or platter where "creation" has taken place.)

Narrator: What are you doing?

The Good Chef: Eem vatching ufer eet, leek you seed.

Narrator: That's not your job, that's their job. (Motions to audience.)

The Good Chef: Oh, yah. Ee knew dat.

Narrator: I knew you knew that.

The Good Chef: Ee knew you knew Ee knew dat.

Narrator: Right.

The Good Chef: Oon zee sefent dey, Gud rested. Bork bork bork! Gud blessed zee sefent dey und set it epert frum ell zee oozeer deys tu meke-a it huly. Bork bork bork!

Narrator: God did set apart the seventh day and made it holy. Thank you for sharing in this retelling of the Creation story.